Sunday, May 15, 2016

// // 1 comment

Big Question!

​   by Reb Gutman Locks    

Big Question!


Hi Gutman,

     As I am heading towards the path of dating and I am just wondering how important your prospective partner's looks and attractiveness are when assessing whether someone may be a suitable match for you.

    Different people have suggested a certain girl to me and I have known of her in the community but I never really thought of her in the dating sense. She's a very good natured girl and there's nothing wrong with her as far as looks are concerned, I just never really felt an attraction to her.

     I'm interested to hear your thoughts on what factors I should be looking for when dating. How important is a girl's family? If she has a source of income? Her looks?

     I'd appreciate your thoughts and any advice on what I've mentioned. 

Thanks so much,



Gutman's response:


Big Question!

     Physical looks are important so that you enjoy seeing her, and also know that your children will resemble her, so you should like the way she looks. Even more importantly, your children will most likely act like her, too. There are some guidelines but the bottom line is that you want to be with her and do not want to be without her.

     Do not look for lightning; in fact lightning usually comes for the wrong reason. Assuming all of the basics are in order… basics include, she is Jewish, Torah available (Kosher to marry), physically and mentally healthy, kind, cooperative, wants her home to be a Torah home, enjoys life,…. Then look to see if you share the same goals. How do you want your home to be kept, spiritually and physically? The wife is in charge of the home. Does she want a home that you will be happy in? Where would you like to live? Such things as, do you agree on having guests? Are guests important or not? Whatever you would like in your life, is it compatible with what she wants in hers. And yes, even though you are to be the main supporter of the family, she should be able to help in this, too.

     As for what most young people mistakenly look for when they date…Love…  love grows when you share life. When Isaac met Rivka, first he heard the story of what kind of person she was from Avraham's servant, then he took her into his mother's tent. A very wealthy man like Isaac could have given her a brand new tent but, no …she was to continue in the (tent) ways of his righteous mother Sarah. He married her. She became his wife. And he loved her. He was consoled for the loss of his mother.  Love came later.

     Since you are a Baal Teshuvah you should not make up your mind after one or two dates but meet with her many times.

     See what type relationship she has with each of her family members, and do not expect anything different. Remember, people (including you) are on their best behavior when they are dating. Do not expect anyone to change for the better after they are married.

     Spiritually: pray for your friends to find good spouses, and then yours will come quicker. And when you give charity, or do any mitzvah, ask Hashem to guide you in this most important decision.

     Finding the right spouse is one of the three most important decisions you will ever make in your entire life. The most important is; how to serve Hashem. Next, how are you to help to make the world a better place (and receive a proper income from your effort), and third, choosing the one who will help you to make a Jewish family.

Send me good news. 

1 comment:

  1. great post. just a small tweak, that like the rav suggested that the children will look the same as the potential spouse, the potential mate will most likely be a replica of their parents. Certainly people can be different for better or worse than their parents, but in most cases, the characteristics will be very similar. If the person comes from a home of chesed, giving, and minor problems (we do not deny we all have challenges) or if the home is one of stagnancy, and unfortunately conflict.


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