Thursday, July 18, 2013

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A Mother’s Heartbreaking Appeal

by Reb Gutman Locks


     I just finished reading your book and watching most of your videos.  I am a Jewish mother who has been trying to convince her wonderful, good and loving son not to continue his relationship with his girlfriend of almost 3 years. Without being too long winded, please allow me to give you some vital information.

· My parents and my husbands’ parents were Holocaust survivors

· My husband and I were raised in an orthodox home and live an Orthodox life but he must drive to shul on Shabbat and back home,

· We have four children, two boys and two girls, 7 grandchildren. 

· Our youngest, is 26 and is the topic of this letter.

· All my children married Jews and live Jewish lives.

· The boy is a very quiet, loving, respectful, a special boy.  He went to Jewish Day school until he was in high school.

· School was always difficult for him and he really had no interest in it.  He just got by.  He attended one year of college and then refused to go.

· He loves music and writes and plays the guitar.  He asked us to please let him go to a music school so we did for almost two years.

· What can you do with that degree??? NOTHING!

· He worked in a studio for a year or so and figured out that it was not going to help make a living.  He never asked us for money or to do anything for him.

· He went through many, many jobs, and either they were boring or too hard or he just couldn’t make it.  He became very depressed and I took him to doctors to see what they could do for him.

· Long story short, medications that didn’t work or didn’t make him feel good.  Not one of them could pin point what he had. 

· I knew that he had social issues because he was a very quiet kid and could sit at home at dinner or at a party and not say one word unless someone asked him a direct question.

· He met this girl at a job and has been living with her in her parents’ home for three years!!!

· Yes, we have tried everything and I mean everything to make him know and leave there but he won’t.  He is saving money to move out but it will be with her.

· My son keeps kosher in that home.  He has his own dishes, frig….. no mezuzah because it is not his home.  He tells us that his girlfriend has wanted to become Jewish for many years but has not taken one step in reaching that goal.  He claims that she cannot do it in her parents’ home.

· He has never brought her to our home nor does he put up any argument.  He knows how we feel about this and how it is hurting us but he loves her.  He also promised us he would never marry someone who is not Jewish.  He said she will convert as soon as they leave her parents home.  He comes to us every Shabbat, Goes to our Chabad shul on all the holidays and is our most loving child.

· He is a very sensitive child and you can only reach him in a kind and soft way.  Our Rabbi has tried to talk to him and studies with him on occasion, his place of work is almost entirely Jewish too.  For a while he was putting tefillin on every day at work.  The guy who was helping him with this moved to another location so I don’t think he does it anymore.

· I have given him every book and every article I can get my hands on but he won’t budge on this. 

· I don’t know what to do anymore.  His Rabbi does not want to alienate him and wants him to continue to learn with him.  I say tehillim for him every day and try to better myself every single day. 

· I have tried a million times to get him to go to Israel on one of those programs that is free and he will only be gone 10 days.  He would not go.

      Finally, my question to you is what am I missing?  What am I doing wrong?  What do I do?  I cannot believe this is G-d’s will.  I even sent him the link to your video.   I want my son to be with a Jewish girl, have a Jewish family and lead a Jewish life.  We have lived a Jewish life and still do.  We don’t want one thing for him and practice another.  We lead Jewish lives.  He loves his family very much.  I don’t know how to explain this kid.  He keeps Kosher, he observes all the holidays. No he is not shomer Shabbat but he will not and thank goodness, does not work on Shabbat.  Buys only kosher food, won’t milk and meat.  He would never do that.  Kisses us every time he sees us or leaves our home.  What do we do???

     I hope that you will be able to help me or give me some words of advice.  Please pray for him.

I look forward to your reply.

Gutman’s reply;

I am putting your son’s name between the stones of the Kotel this afternoon. Please G-d, we will see some change in him.

     Obviously, we are at least 3 years late, but try these things and see if anything helps.

     Let him read Coming Back to Earth, and then if he wants to contact me I will be happy to talk with him.

    Try to introduce him to a skill or profession where he can comfortably support himself, no matter what trade…accounting, plumbing, doctor’s assistant?

    Offer to pay for the training.

    Each week try to bring a single Jewish girl or two to the Shabbos table for him to see that there are alternatives possible.

    Did he see the video, Jews Should Marry Jews?

    Does he understand that converting in order to marry is not a kosher conversion?

   Tell him about the Birthright 10 day free trip to Israel. If he comes to Jerusalem  I will be very happy to meet with him.

   Try this; put a charity box in his room in your house, or in the living room. Every day put a coin or two in the box, and ask Hashem to please bring your son to a Jewish girl and away from the non-Jewish girl. Friday mornings, you or your husband, take the week’s coins to a poor man or woman, and put them in his her/hand, and with a smile, wish them a good Shabbos. This is going to make them very happy. Not just because of the money that they need, but because you gave it to them in such a kind way. When you make a poor person happy it makes Hashem happy, and when you make Hashem happy, He is going to make you happy. Try it for a while, and see if there is any movement. Please G-d, soon, you will be able to send me good news.

    Worse comes to worse, if all else fails, think about helping her to have a kosher conversion. See what your Chabad rabbi thinks about this, and have him explain to everyone what is needed for there to be a kosher conversion.

    Tell him again, lovingly, that you and his father will not accept a non-Jewish daughter-in-law.

     Keep showing him love.

Hashem help you all to do what is best for everyone.

I pray that you will be able to send me good news.

1 comment:

  1. Reb Gutman, I'm going to take a different track than you. It seems this boy has met someone that works well with his nature/personality. This seems important to him and may be the first time he's had a positive personal experience. Being that he is so sensitive, maybe she is also a sensitive person who 'speaks his language'. Maybe she has a spark that needs to be rescued (via conversion). Maybe the two of them could begin a Jewish life together. Not always is this a tragedy. It could develop into something worthwhile. However, there needs to be someone to advise them correctly and to be there for their questions and encouragement.


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