Sunday, February 10, 2013

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Oy Vey Shadchanim

by B. G. @ Mystical Paths

th1B.G. is a friend and member of our synagogue.  He’s also a religious Jewish man in his late 20’s, never married, looking for a shidduch (a religious match).  Here he shares some unfortunate negative experiences in the shidduch (being set up) space…

No means NO!!!

No means NO!!!   To all shadchanim, no means no.  I understand that we men may appear to be single-track-minded, but that doesn't mean that we are.

Tonight I was on an arranged date with a very nice girl, but it appeared obvious early on that there was no compatibility.  After an hour I asked for the check to end the date (which is a personal record for shortest date), and we went our separate ways.  The date was a coffee-shop date, so I left feeling hungry.  I met up with some friends to have dinner, and during dinner the shadchanit (match-er) then contacted me to ask how the date went.  I explained that the girl is a very nice girl, but that there was no connection and I felt no need for a second date.

As a side note, I have never had a date with a girl whom had so little to add to the conversation.  I understand that some people may be awkward or nervous, impairing their ability to converse, but that didn't appear to be the case, and I personally have no interest in someone like that anyway.

The shadchanit then began demanding that I go on a second date, “That one cannot just go on a single date and say no.”  Guess what?  It is possible to do so.  I work nights and don't have much free personal time, if I see something as being a waste of time, I will not continue to do whatever that may be.

Instead of trying to be understanding, she then began to bully me about the subject.  I try not to put people down, so I had no desire to go into specifics about why I had no desire to go on a second date.  I just didn't want one, and that should be good enough.

I will admit that this is the first time I've dealt with such a rude shadchanit, but it's not the first time I've heard of these problems.  People are drifting further and further from the shidduch scene, especially men, and this is amongst the reasons why.     We as men don't want to settle.  We may not need a trophy wife, but just because we are over 21 doesn't mean that we are desperate. 

We have those things we REQUIRE in a spouse.  If you won't listen, then how do you expect to come up with a proper shidduch?  It's not sales where if you ask enough people eventually someone will say yes.  Ask what we are looking for, then TRY to find it.

Enough is enough.  How else can you expect people to ask for your services if you won't listen to what your customer is looking for?  (A match arranging is providing a service, and it’s often a paid service – sometimes with very significant fees.)  And we as individuals going to shadchanim are customers.  Wake up and smell the dignity.

Men in their late 40's probably don't want someone too old to have kids, yeshiva guys are looking for more than a girl who's mother puts on a solid white shabbos table cloth instead of off-white, and someone in their late 20's is not looking to settle or waste time with extra pointless dates. 

We're not car shopping, we're not even apartment hunting, we are trying to make a life decision, so either learn to work with us or get out of the game.


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