Friday, January 18, 2013


Help! (…defeat a desire)

by Reb Gutman @ Mystical Paths

Here are a few lines from a long letter asking for help.

image003Rabbi Gutman,

     I am a 30 year old Persian-Jew. I come from a conservative Jewish family. I go to temple almost every Shabbat. I keep Kosher with regards to meat and chicken. I am very close with my family.

     Four months ago I met a secular Muslim Persian girl, a year older than me. When I say secular, she actually celebrates Christmas and doesn't celebrate any Muslim holidays. Please keep in mind I am very Zionist. Anyways, I am ashamed to admit this but I have had relations with her.

    I know I'm a Zionist, I am a proud Jew, I keep kosher, I go to temple all the time, I celebrate all the Jewish holidays...but Rabbi, I am in love with her, and it kills me. I have never clicked with anyone so much. I know I can't be with her, and I've told her that. I told her marriage is impossible. She wants to convert but I told her no, because my parents would kill me, and because I don’t want to be with someone who converts to Judaism for me, but I want to be with someone Jewish, or someone who converts for G-d, not me. I have explained to her, that it is not fair to her, that I can never eat meat at her parent’s house. I have explained to her I don't want my kids around Christmas trees, or anything related to Christmas, and that this is not fair to her parents, because this is something they love to do.

     Please give me some guidance. I cry every night when I sleep, and I feel dead. I know it is very wrong that we have had sexual relations. Not counting that, she is an amazing girl. I would die for her. I know I can't marry her, but sometimes in the back of my head, I think about it...I think what if she converts, and I can teach her Judaism. But then I tell myself "be realistic!" Please Rabbi, help me. I don't want to keep crying and be depressed.

Thank you and Shabbat Shalom!

Shalom D,

    I am very glad that you wrote to me. I admire you for knowing that you cannot marry that girl. She may or may not be a great person but, as you well know, you cannot marry a non Jewish girl, and certainly not an Iranian non Jew, or it would destroy your family. You have placed your love for your family and Torah above the great pull of your physical desires. G-d will bless you for this, and will give you a wonderful wife as soon as you are ready.

    If you really love that girl you will want to do what is best for her (and for you). You should leave her so she will be able to find a nice Iranian man in her church so she can marry and make a nice family.

    As you know her family and yours would not be compatible. To even think of bringing them into your parents’ home would be a disaster. You love your mother and father and do not want to cause them grief.

   What I suggest to you is for you to part from her for 90 days and give both of you some breathing space, and then see what happens.

    During these 90 days you should visit every rabbi in the entire area and have them introduce you to the nice young available Jewish girls. Within a month or two you will have met some 20 nice girls to choose from.

     Obviously, if you sit at home alone you will miss the physical relationship with the non Jewish girl, and you will call her every time you get lonely.

     To be frank with you, I am surprised that you could even consider the possibility of bringing her Iranian Muslim family into your parents’ home, after your family has escaped from the Iranian Muslim cruelty! This shows you the great power that the animal instinct has over common sense.

     I really feel that G-d is going to bless you for not giving in to the strong pull of your eyes and heart, and not marrying her, but by insisting on doing the best thing for everyone.

     Take my advice and go look for that girl who right now is also looking for you.

Send me good news real soon

Be well,
Reb Gutman


  1. Hello Iranian Jewish friend,
    I was in your path, even worse, i am a french Jew and was in love with a german christian woman!I even had asian girlfriends from Taiwan and Vietnam.
    But i left them all, made teshuva, married a Jewish woman, and even live in Israel.
    everything is possible, don't despair, that iranian woman is good in bed, that's why you are attracted to her, but even that is boring in the end, after few months or 1 year. and you will realize you made a very big mistake.
    don't let your penis win, let your brain and heart win!
    Do it at least for all the poor Jews murdered, killed, persecuted, raped, stolen, humiliated, slaved, by the cruel and heartless muslims.
    don't let the nazis win!
    Rabbi please give my answer to the poor guy.

  2. R' Gutman's advice is probably correct generally speaking. However, in some situations it certainly does occur that someone who contemplates conversion initially for the purpose of marriage, comes to want to do it with the right motives (to be an Orthodox Jew for life no matter what happens with the relationship), thus resulting in a kosher conversion. This is hard because it is a long process to convert (and sometimes the convert becomes "too religious" for the born-Jew and they break up). But if she ends up going through with it 100% halachically with pure motives and you have not changed your mind about her, then there should be nothing standing in the way of your marriage (unless your family objects to converts, I suppose).


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