Dear Gutman Locks,
Please forgive me for intruding on your precious time, which I assume to be very valuable and very limited, owing to all your work that you do.
I came across your videos on YouTube, and I really like your style. I like the straight talking attitude. That is why I wrote to Chabad.org to ask if they could let me contact you, but then I found your address.
Anyway let me explain why I am writing.
First off, my mother was not Jewish, father was because his mother was, but not her mother. So I understand that in terms of Halakha I am not Jewish. My father's family is also mixed up like this but they're not important at this point.
Anyway from a young age I have had dreams of a strange nature. I won't go into much detail but I know that they portray a life that seems like my own, but obviously cannot be because it appears to be pre-1939 Europe. So I thought the most obvious reason was this was due to books or motion pictures influencing this. However there was also a strong desire to be Jewish.
This was at odds with everything around me other than a few remnants of philosophy or artifacts, like a star of David bowl my Jewish aunt gave my parents as a wedding present.
However the older I get, the more I desire to become a fully fledged Jew.
Even though I disagree with some of the Laws. I still want to follow them.
I also know that I don't need to be a Jew, but yet the desire or the wanting is so strong, to join this group of people.
I don't understand it at all. I don't understand why I would desire this; to join a persecuted people, or to "restrict" my life. Because logically it makes no sense to my secular mind, but in a stronger and more forceful part it doesn't seem like a restriction at all.
Am I crazy? Am I lost? Am I confused?
When non-Jews come to convert we are instructed to send them away. The reason is not to be mean, but to encourage them to try to find the spiritual path they were born to. Almost always this is best for them. They should learn and follow the Seven Commandments of Noah. This will give them a wonderful life in this world and a share in the World to Come. This is the easiest thing for them.
You wrote that your "father was Jewish because his mother was, but not her mother." Were you referring to your mother here or your father's mother's mother? If your father's mother was Jewish then your father was Jewish. You have to verify the facts before you can know what to do.
If your father was indeed Jewish as you have stated, then there is an exception to the sending away non-Jews who want to convert rule. If their father is Jewish, for his sake we are to try to help that person convert if that is their true desire.
If your father was Jewish then it could be that your spiritual inclination is being nudged by your father's mother's soul. Maybe you should go to your closest Chabad rabbi and tell him your story and then follow his advice. Any orthodox rabbi should be able to guide you, but do not be satisfied with a non-kosher conversion as the orthodox Jews would never accept such a conversion.
Know now before you might start, it is a long path of study, practice, and tons of rules.